Things that have changed since my last post:

  • I’m still getting married May 2nd.
  • I’m still moving – BUT, we found a beautiful place and I am sooo excited to move in there (even if it will be two days before the wedding and therefore I will be stressing the fuck out).
  • Work is still crazy, but we had a progress meeting and I got positive feedback on this project and I’m happy about that.
  • My family is still crazy and addicted to drama.
  • I’m still going into debt with this wedding.
  • I am feeling better, but there was no diagnoses on my health and so I’m just hoping it doesn’t come back.

That’s it. I’m in a far better place mentally right now than I was when I wrote that last post, I couldn’t tell you why. In the back of my mind I’m still freaking out about all the things that I need to do in the next 40 DAYS and wondering how I’m going to make more money, but for right now…

I’m in my fluffy robe, drinking a cup of tea with my kitten at my side and I’m okay.

I’ll be okay.

It’s raining menstrual cramps.

When it rains, you’re fucked.
That’s how that saying goes, right?
Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, or construct this entire post from cliches, but my life is insanely stressful right now.
  • I’m getting married May 2nd.
  • My lease is up May 1st.
  • We’ve taken on new clients at work.
  • One high-profile client wants us to give them an entire re-branding… in two weeks.
  • I’m experiencing health problems which are yet to be diagnosed or relieved.
  • My family is crazy-full of drama.
  • I’m going into serious debt with this wedding.

I could keep going on, but I’m going to stop myself there. I’m not here to complain, it’s merely just a reflection on how incredibly chalk full of stress my life is right now. My mind has sort of shut down at this point and I come home and either crash on the couch to watch TV or lose myself in the Walking Dead graphic novels to avoid any responsibility. I guess I’m subconsciously hoping this wedding will finish planning itself.

However, tonight we went and viewed an apartment that actually is beautiful and has some serious potential, except it’s a wee bit high for our budget. Which led me down the dark and scary path of doing the math to figure out how much money I’d have left over each month after paying for that place, which led me to realizing I need to seriously kick my freelancing butt into game, which brought me back to this blog.

There’s no way I can tackle it now, but after the wedding I plan on  need to start taking freelancing seriously. I’m in the fortunate position of having chosen a career/skills that can be freelanced, so I should really utilize those to help relieve some of the financial stress each month.

I need more creativity in my life!

And money. Definitely money. Because to close with a cliche – whoever said money doesn’t equal happiness clearly was not living a life of debt.

tell me why I don’t like Monday’s.

When you ride the same train every day, you start to notice the regulars.

In the morning: The elderly man who is always speaking to the young girl with the pixie cut. It’s hard to determine if she knows him, or is just too polite to ask him to leave her be. The woman with the caramel curls who wears a pencil skirt and plays one of those micro-managing, build-your-own town apps on her phone for the full 25 minute ride. The tall girl with the library tote bag who meets up with her curly-haired friend at your stop every day, and they recount their evenings as they take the stairs together.

In the evening: The short man who will speak to anyone who makes eye contact with him about the train schedule he seems to have memorized. It’s obvious he can’t stand there in silence and I try very hard to stare at my book when he’s scouting for his next conversing victim. The man in the electric wheelchair who must ask people to move from the disabled seating every single day, and I wonder at how frustrating that must be. The elderly woman who makes a brief phone call every time we cross the first bridge to let the voice on the other end know where she is.

It makes me wonder who, if anyone, has pegged me as a regular. Do they notice the difference between the days I opt for comfort over style? The days I wear a dress and curl my hair versus the days of the messy bun and over sized sweatshirt? Do they notice that I make an effort to not be one of those people who just sits on my phone during the commute? Do they notice when I’m reading a different book?  If they do notice, how would they describe me when speaking of the regulars? Would they notice the days I struggle the hardest with getting out of bed and facing the looming pressure of social interaction? The days I feel no clothes fit quite right and even my own skin seems built for someone else. The days where my soul feels heavy with exhaustion before I’ve even left the bed. Would they notice the days when it feels as though the sun has finally pierced through some eternal winter cloud and I am prepared, even optimistic, about the work day ahead of me? The days the tension in my chest dissipates and I remember what it is to breathe free of constraint.

Or maybe they don’t notice me at all and I am just another body on the overcrowded train.

Why are free wedding websites so incredibly, awfully cheesy?

The designer in me dies a little with each new template I click through. Alas, I do not have the time, nor the resources, to design my own website and hire a friend to build it. So I must swallow my pride and select one of these templates that look like a middle-aged florist who just discovered Geocities puked on it.